About this Blog
This blog is a place for me to share ideas, strategies and thoughts about parenting and also a place to listen to what excites you most and what you’re worried about as a parent. We are all better parents when we are members of supportive communities with other families. I hope you will join me here and share your experiences in the comment section below. I am also available for consultation.(For contact information, see “View my complete profile.”)
Living in uncertain times
Almost all of us are feeling some impact from the COVID-19 outbreak and while feelings of fear, uncertainty, confusion and vulnerability affect most of us deeply, parents of young children may be experiencing heightened levels of stress. Suddenly having to navigate working from home (or being out of work completely), and or take care of children who are no longer in their regular child care or school arrangements, parents are faced with keeping a sense of normalcy and hope while also holding enormous worry about the future.
For children over 4 and older
If your children are older, they may have heard the TV news or conversations about the pandemic. It is important that they can talk to you about their fears, questions and worries.
Almost all of us are feeling some impact from the COVID-19 outbreak and while feelings of fear, uncertainty, confusion and vulnerability affect most of us deeply, parents of young children may be experiencing heightened levels of stress. Suddenly having to navigate working from home (or being out of work completely), and or take care of children who are no longer in their regular child care or school arrangements, parents are faced with keeping a sense of normalcy and hope while also holding enormous worry about the future.
How does our emotional state affect our children?
Our children are highly sensitive to our emotional states. Even if they know nothing or very little about the pandemic itself (and hopefully, they don’t) they are sensitive to your emotional state.
If your children notice you being sad you can let them know that you are feeling sad. You can tell them that sometimes mommies and daddies get sad and that you will feel happy again in a while. In most cases you don’t need to tell young children why you are sad ---they are typically most interested in talking about when they get sad, what makes them sad and what helps them feel happy again. You can talk about how sometimes crying helps you feel better.
You can let them know that a hug or a kiss from them will help you feel better.
There is so much for children to learn from how their family deals with, manages and addresses stress. These times offer you an opportunity to teach your child essential life skills.
Here are some tips for parents
Take good care of yourself
Your health not only influences your own well-being, but that of your children as well.
Experiencing feelings of fear, uncertainty and vulnerability is emotionally and physically exhausting. Because the pandemic won’t be resolved in the near future, we need to think about things that sustain us, build our optimism and contribute to our ongoing emotional as well as physical health.
Reflect on developing gratitude and optimism
There are many things in the world you can’t control or change, yet there are myriad ways you can influence what happens in your home and with your children--most of which have to do with your perspective. Focus on the opportunities that are provided by this situation. Most of us would say we never get enough quality time with our children. With everyone’s busy schedules, spending time with our children is often regulated to the tired, end of day. If you are home with your children, you may be able to use this time to do those things you can’t do in your ordinary schedule---read several books, listen deeply to children’s ideas, be playful, but most of all convey to your children that you see this as a special opportunity for family time, individual projects and developing your family history and memories. Your attitude will greatly impact the success of this situation. Children, with their ability to be “truly in the moment,” creative thinkers, loving, compassionate, insightful and generous, have so much to offer us. They may be our most valuable resource for optimism!
Engage in activities with your children: reading, telling stories, playing hide and seek, doing simple cooking projects, taking a walk, taking a treasure hunt walk, listening to music and dancing, singing your favorite songs, recording your voices and playing them back.
Talk to children about their worries
As a parent, you are an important resource to your children during stressful times. Take a few moments to think about what skills, perspectives and dispositions you would like to offer your children in your conversations with them during this time. Do you best to protect young children from scary news, but if you can’t, do talk to them about their questions.
For children aged 3 -4
If you feel the need to tell children why you are sad or if they have heard that people are sick or dying, you can say that some people are getting sick and you are sad for them but that the doctors are helping them get better.
Children will also have questions about why they can’t go to school/preschool, visit friends, go to the store or the park.
Let children know that
Our children are highly sensitive to our emotional states. Even if they know nothing or very little about the pandemic itself (and hopefully, they don’t) they are sensitive to your emotional state.
If your children notice you being sad you can let them know that you are feeling sad. You can tell them that sometimes mommies and daddies get sad and that you will feel happy again in a while. In most cases you don’t need to tell young children why you are sad ---they are typically most interested in talking about when they get sad, what makes them sad and what helps them feel happy again. You can talk about how sometimes crying helps you feel better.
You can let them know that a hug or a kiss from them will help you feel better.
There is so much for children to learn from how their family deals with, manages and addresses stress. These times offer you an opportunity to teach your child essential life skills.
Here are some tips for parents
Take good care of yourself
Your health not only influences your own well-being, but that of your children as well.
Experiencing feelings of fear, uncertainty and vulnerability is emotionally and physically exhausting. Because the pandemic won’t be resolved in the near future, we need to think about things that sustain us, build our optimism and contribute to our ongoing emotional as well as physical health.
- Do what you can to take care of yourself
- Find ways to be physically active
- take a walk, run, bike, skip, hop outside, do yoga and/or stretching, dance, climb your stairs (many of these things can be done with your children)
- drink lots of water, eat healthy foods, get rest and sleep,
- talk to friends/counselors,
- meditate, journal about your feelings
- choose your few best sources for news/information and stick to a limited schedule for news consumption--optimally, without children listening
- If you are worried about specific things-- for instance, work, finances, the health of family members, or co-parenting, it might help to take a few minutes (before you spend time with your child) to write those things down, including any steps and timeline you might take to address the situation. Realize you may not be able to immediately address your worries. Sometimes putting worries on paper allows us to be more present with children to appreciate and more fully enjoy our time together.
There are many things in the world you can’t control or change, yet there are myriad ways you can influence what happens in your home and with your children--most of which have to do with your perspective. Focus on the opportunities that are provided by this situation. Most of us would say we never get enough quality time with our children. With everyone’s busy schedules, spending time with our children is often regulated to the tired, end of day. If you are home with your children, you may be able to use this time to do those things you can’t do in your ordinary schedule---read several books, listen deeply to children’s ideas, be playful, but most of all convey to your children that you see this as a special opportunity for family time, individual projects and developing your family history and memories. Your attitude will greatly impact the success of this situation. Children, with their ability to be “truly in the moment,” creative thinkers, loving, compassionate, insightful and generous, have so much to offer us. They may be our most valuable resource for optimism!
Engage in activities with your children: reading, telling stories, playing hide and seek, doing simple cooking projects, taking a walk, taking a treasure hunt walk, listening to music and dancing, singing your favorite songs, recording your voices and playing them back.
Talk to children about their worries
As a parent, you are an important resource to your children during stressful times. Take a few moments to think about what skills, perspectives and dispositions you would like to offer your children in your conversations with them during this time. Do you best to protect young children from scary news, but if you can’t, do talk to them about their questions.
For children aged 3 -4
If you feel the need to tell children why you are sad or if they have heard that people are sick or dying, you can say that some people are getting sick and you are sad for them but that the doctors are helping them get better.
Children will also have questions about why they can’t go to school/preschool, visit friends, go to the store or the park.
Let children know that
- you are staying home more now to help keep them healthy
- their friends are also staying home and nobody is at their preschool right now--even the teachers are staying home
- while we are home together, this is an opportunity to spend some special time and do some special projects
- we can talk to our friends on the phone or internet
- we can send our friends drawings and photos made by us
If your children are older, they may have heard the TV news or conversations about the pandemic. It is important that they can talk to you about their fears, questions and worries.
- If your child brings it up with you, ask them what they heard, listen and ask follow-up questions. They may have complex and multi-layered concerns. Before you start to address them, give your child a chance to express them all. It may be hard for you to hear your child’s worries, but it is the beginning of the healing process for them to say them out loud.
- Quoting Fred Rogers:
- "In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers."
- “Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.
- After listening and before you offer solutions
- Say back to them simply what you heard them say: “I heard you were worried about getting sick,” “So you are upset that grandma might die.” “Sounds like you are sad that you won’t be able to see your friends for a long time.” “I heard you say you were so mad about not being able to go to the park.”
- Express empathy: “Sounds like you do not want to get sick. I don’t either.” “I also love grandma so much and would be very sad if she died.” “It sounds so frustrating not to get to play with your friends. What do you miss about playing with them?” “I’m also mad about not getting to go to the part and to visit my friends.”
- Be honest and also optimistic, if possible. Help them see the larger picture.
- Let children know that...
- some people in the world are sick with the Coronavirus, but most people are only a little sick with it.
- after most of the people get well, we’ll be able to go back to school and see our friends again.
- there are lots of people in the world working to keep children safe and there are so many people who are working to help the people who are sick: ambulance workers, nurses, doctors and police are all working to help these people get better (or you can ask your child, “Who do you think is helping these sick people?”
- workers in companies all over the world are making equipment to help the sick people; they are working on ventilators to help sick people breathe better and they are working on making masks and gloves so healthy people won’t get sick.
- there are people helping to get food to people who have to stay in their homes so they can be healthy.
- You can ask your children what they think about it and if they have ideas that might help.
- Children will often have all sorts of theories and ideas about how people get sick and about what we can do to help. Many of their theories won’t be actually “true” or “realistic” but you don’t need to “correct” them unless the theory is causing them stress--ie. “If children are bad, they will get sick.”
- Children are highly motivated to help and to fix things.
- You can ask them what they would do to keep people safe. This kind of creative thinking can help children feel less powerless. They may come up with amazing and magical ideas about keeping people safe as well as solving other problems like having to stay at home.
- You can talk to them about their ideas, encourage them to elaborate, to draw their ideas, to write stories about them or build their inventions. You don’t need to correct any of their impossible ideas. The process of imaging strategies for safety will be therapeutic for them.
- You can photograph these and share them with friends and family. Most of the time just the act of creating solutions is enough for young children. They don’t need to have it really be functional in the world.
- This activity of “being a problem-solver” is beneficial to children (and other humans.) Feeling like there is something you can do boosts optimism, energy, feelings of connectedness and sense of efficacy.
- There are also other acts of kindness that children can participate in: sending drawings, videos of them singing or telling stories to friends/family. Making muffins to drop on the neighbor’s door step.
Please feel free to comment, question, offer ideas, struggles and successes in the comment section below. In this way we can all share in the community as resources for each other.
